Something a bit shiz happened to me recently.
A boy I really liked said things were moving faster than what he was comfortable with, and then it was just over. We’d been getting along pretty well. There we were beachside on a beautiful summer’s day, and instead of laughing and splashing about in the water I was withstanding the emotional equivalent of a kick to the guts.
Luckily, by some sheer coincidence, I had spent that morning glued to the YouTube channel of dating expert Matthew Hussey. Hussey had a video for times just like these, so I remained composed (barely) and allowed Hussey to speak through me as I farewelled this fellow for the last time.
I want to flag here that despite being an avid consumer of dating shows like The Bachelor, I’m actually not really one for following dating experts, especially those of the male varietal. I’ve read a few things before and they’ve always left me feeling pretty icky. I recall one particularly interesting piece of… I don’t even want to call it ‘advice’… that suggested a girl demonstrably pout when her new beau looks away, and, when his gaze returns, say “that’s better”. Seriously, what year is it?
But Hussey won me over from the very first piece of his content that floated past my eyeballs as a sponsored Facebook post. It was a video titled How to get him hooked in the first two weeks of dating. I’m sure I’d seen that title dozens of times before and I had dismissed it with an excessive eyeroll. But this time the video started playing at a point that sparked a complete transformation of the way I approach just about every relationship, romantic or not, and with incredible results.
It started playing on tip number 3: Get excited.
Now, this – this is different, I thought. This two word statement had me so enthralled because it went against everything we women (and, I would argue, men) have been taught about dating: when you like someone, the very last thing you should do is show them you give much of a toss. Society both very blatantly and very covertly tells us that to win at love, we have to be aloof, stand-offish and keep our cards close to our chest.
Intrigued, I watched that video from beginning to end. I went and found Hussey’s website, and then his YouTube channel – where I lost about five hours of my life but gained some incredible insight into how I had landed myself repeatedly in these predicaments with men who kind of liked me until I showed some interest back, or where there was an initial spark but I wound up doing all the work and getting nothing in return until they eventually disappeared.
Finally, I could see how I was attracting the wrong guy and contributing to all these unwanted outcomes.
If I tried to neatly sum up a comparison of archaic approaches to dating versus Hussey’s, it would be this:
The standard approach to dating has underlying principles of protection, while Hussey’s approach is about safely creating opportunities for connection.
It’s not about throwing yourself at someone, au contraire; Hussey has very clear instructions for being a ‘high value’ kinda girl and only investing when someone is investing in you. No, it’s about being open while retaining your self-respect, building attraction without sacrificing your values, and allowing everyone (especially you) to maintain boundaries and move at a comfortable pace. It actually just brings plain common sense back to the world of relating and dating. Because let’s face it, when we’re high on a cocktail of oxytocin, dopamine and pheromones, we can all go a bit batty.
Now when I refer to my dating life, there is BH (Before Hussey) and AH (After Hussey).
Having been firmly entrenched in my protection-oriented ways, it took real guts to kick over to an AH style of dating. I recall the time, BH, that I dry retched when a male friend suggested I text a guy I really liked to come join us at a pub. Oh my God – but then he’ll know I like him, and that’ll make me look STOOPID. Now, I confidently text because I know it’s not a cardinal sin to show someone you’re into them. In fact, it’s kind of constructive to actually getting together with them.
Hussey has given me the confidence and permission to be the warm, kind and open person in Dating Life that I actually am In Real Life. As a result, the type of men I attract and the type of relationships I have has completely transformed. When you’re emotionally open and available, you give someone permission to be emotionally open and available right back if they are ready and willing to be. And if they’re not, they’ll just choof off, and it will have had nothing to do with me.
Getting to the point of this blog: I don’t just have a BH and AH in my dating life, but in my life in general. You see, when I started warming up to potential partners, I naturally started warming up everywhere else. Now upon examining the way I used to communicate across the board with family, friends, and business acquaintances, I can see I was pretty flat a lot of the time. Who wants to spend time with that?? No one could accuse me of being stone cold and uncaring, but there was a stack of room to show up and lighten up.
Now, in life and in business, I get excited, and I’ve watched all my relationships – business, platonic and romantic – flourish as a result.
Thanks Matthew Hussey! x